Letter to Shaider

To "Shaider",

I really can't say everything to you personally, so i just put everything into words. 

If i only have enough courage, i could have told you how much you mean to me. You're the only one i know who  truly know me. You know what to say at the right time and knows how to make me feel better when i'm feeling bad, effortlessly. My friends keeps on telling me stop all this shinannigans and find a man that i can call my own. They say i deserve better than you. Someone who will love me back or love me more. But my heart only leads me back to you.

I keep on saying the phrase "i give up", only to realize i'm just tired. I'm tired of hoping someday you'll be mine and i'll be yours. I once thought i have the chance to tell you what i really feel, but i fear of losing you so i hold back. I know friends are all we are going to be, and i accepted that with all my heart. When i tell you that love is more of a sacrifice than just suffering, i mean it. I know how it feels and you're my ultimate sacrifice, yet it still makes me happy because i have you in my life. That's what i mean by "love as a sacrifice", not showing blatantly how much you mean to me, yet i hold on to this feeling because it's making me happy. Suffering, yeah i could have suffered...i may be suffering, but i know i'll suffer more if i lose you.

I know you see me only as a friend. That hurts, but it's ok. I just hope you'll get to see me more than just that and hope when that time comes, it's not too late.

You're the only one who holds me back that's why i can't give myself a chance to love anybody other than you. Just so you know, i will no longer let that happened again. I love you and i guess will always will. But given the facts and consequences, i'm on the course of taking a risk, though i don't know if it's something worth it, because all these times, you're the only risk worth taking for me. I just want to know if it's worth a try. Maybe if i get to "love" someone else, i'll get to unlearn how it is to love you. Maybe if i do let myself be open to someone, i'll forget the feeling and you'll be just another man in my life. I don't want this to happened but i have no choice, I have to. This time, i'll do this for myself, for me to be really happy and know again how  it is to receive love.

I love you. I've been longing to say that, i just don't know how, when or if i have to. I love you even though you'll never love me the way i do. I love you despite the fact that you have your eyes to someone else. I love you but i just got tired showing it. I got tired of crying, praying, hoping and wishing.

I always wanted you to be happy and if that means i just have to be a friend then i"ll take it. As long as you're happy, then that's going to be my happiness too. I'll always be here for you and will never leave you until you feel really better. Just please don't take those smile off your face, i like it more when you smile than you scorn.

Love you always,

Me