When Dumpling found love...

10:24 am

I'm sitting beside my boyfriend, while he's fast asleep.

Looking back, i never thought i'll meet someone like him, who i think, accepts me for who I am. He's never someone i thought i'll be with or even said "yes...i want to be yours too!". He just came into my life, break down my walls and showed me how he really feels and made me think, it isn't going to be that bad if i'll let someone love me. Risk...it's all started with a risk!

I remember, it's been 5 months now, when my boss, her husband and i were having a conversation while we're at a colleague's wedding. She told me how she met her husband and how their love story began. I asked her, "how did you know that he's the one?", she said "you'll never know, you'll feel it!". Then her husband told me, you'll know that the person is the one you want to be with till your deathbed, when you feel scared. He said, you'll be scared of not seeing that person happy, just a simple thought of not giving the person you love what will satisfy them frightens you, he also admitted that even letting go of the things that he won't be able to do scared  the hell out of him. Yet, behind it all, it's the kind of fear that won't make you run away. It's a scary feeling that will just make you stay, hold her hands, smile and simply live life with the person, while that fear slowly fades away.

It made me smile. It made me think...then i felt sad. I was single then. I'm not desperately looking, but i'm patiently waiting.

My boss saw how my eyes turned blue. Then she said, "just pray for him...God will give you what you'll ask HIM". I find that the funniest statement I've ever heard! I told her, "I am praying to God and pleading him to give me the man of my dreams...". She said, "well maybe you just have to be specific...that's what i did and God me him", while giving her husband a tender glance. I told her, "I am specific! I'm too specific i'm asking him to give me this specific man...". She laughed at me and said "You don't need to give HIM names, just ask for traits you want in a guy, and HE will grant it. With enough trust, a whole lot of faith and self love, you'll find your man. He may not be the perfect one, but he's the guy you asked for".

It has been a wonderful night and seeing two persons vow their love in front of their loved ones and to God, made me feel there's hope...and probably, well, possibly, i'll find the love that i deserve.

That same night, i prayed to God, "Dear Lord, I'm sorry if i asked too much from you...maybe all i need is someone to love me. Will you please give me a guy who will love me?".

Months have passed, i cried bucket of tears for someone i thought and dreamed of, I've met some guys and only one stand out...this guy beside me now, who said he love me though i'm few years older than him, even though how scared and annoying i can be most of the time, even if i'm not drop dead gorgeous, and loves me because i'm simply me.

I thought it's just fate fooling around again. Yet, God gave me this guy. I don't want to expect much, like growing old with him or having kids with him...stuff like that. Maybe because i'm just about to know if all these are worth the risk. I hope nobody gets me wrong; I love this guy and i'm sure of it. I'm just yet about to see if I'll feel the fear i was told before, the selfless kind of fear, a different kind of fear...the one that will just make me stay, hold his hand, smile and just simply live my life with him.

My boyfriend and I have a long road to take. This is just the beginning of another chapter in my life, and it will start with just us.

A girl named "Hey"

“Hey!”

That night when I heard you, I ran towards your direction, with the sweetest smile on my face. I miss this; I miss us.

You said, now you have no one. Your wife left you and that your only son despises you for being a father who he never thought you’ll be. I saw despair in your face and tears lurking in your eyes.  I heard pain thumping from your chest and badly want to curse HIM for taking everything away from you. I saw scars that are badly bleeding again; you’re hurt on the same spot.

I did my very best to comfort you, for you to realize you’re not alone and that no matter how ugly those pain may cause you, I’m here to heal them and treat you well. I was this close on holding you in my arms, but I decided not to move a finger and just relieved your pain with the most beautiful words I can think of. It helped…because I saw that smile in your eyes again. Then you said you’re happy I’m beside you because I’m the only person who understands your agony, the only one whom you can share your pain with. You said I’m different from the other friends you have.  We reminisced the best and worst four years of our lives together. It was indeed one of the best times we had.

We called it a night with a smile in our face and a beam in my heart.

“Hey!”

You called me the night few days after we had a talked, sharing me your gloomy tale. This time it’s different.  You had a smile in your face. I never saw your genuine smile for a long time. It scared me. I run towards your direction with a sweet smile on my face, though at the back of my mind i was like “what if they are together again?”, “what if he said he and his family have to leave somewhere far and I’ll never get to see him?”, “what if???...”.

You looked straight into my eyes and whispered something to me. My world stopped when you said…”I no longer love her…because I’m liking someone, though I’m not brave enough to tell it…”. My heart started to beat really fast and it feels like I’m running out of air that it’s so difficult to breathe. “Could this be it? Did HE finally listened and answered my prayers? Could he really be…Could it really be….Is it for real?”.

It was the longest night of my life with you. I never thought it will end that way. Then again, I just 

accepted it…

I had tears in my eyes for few nights after we talked. But you’re insensitive enough of my pain. I said to myself over and over…”why not me?? Why can’t I be the biggest mistake of your life??”. It was the most dreaded part of my life and you’re not there to comfort me, simply because you never see me desperately weep and I didn’t allow you to see me that way, thinking you will feel my pain like I feel yours. I loved you but you never see that. Just so you know, you’re selfish as I am. You also took me for granted the way your wife treated you, because I also learned that you really never treat me as a real friend, not even as a confidante…I’m just someone you want to talk to simply because you know I will not criticize you the way other people will; I only realized that when you started calling someone “best” then later on called her “bebs”, and confessed to me that she’s the only one you have and trusted all these time. You made me feel like a doormat; the worst feeling someone will get from the person they value as much as their life.

“Hey!”

“Heey!”

I heard it again after few weeks. I looked at your direction and saw you heading my way. You smiled at me and I smiled back. I looked deep into your eyes, and simply said “Sorry…my name is not Hey”, then walked away with the sweetest smile on my face.

That’s one good thing I’ve done for myself and it may hurt that much to moving on without you in my life, but I know I deserve better than be called “Hey”.

Letter to Shaider

To "Shaider",

I really can't say everything to you personally, so i just put everything into words. 

If i only have enough courage, i could have told you how much you mean to me. You're the only one i know who  truly know me. You know what to say at the right time and knows how to make me feel better when i'm feeling bad, effortlessly. My friends keeps on telling me stop all this shinannigans and find a man that i can call my own. They say i deserve better than you. Someone who will love me back or love me more. But my heart only leads me back to you.

I keep on saying the phrase "i give up", only to realize i'm just tired. I'm tired of hoping someday you'll be mine and i'll be yours. I once thought i have the chance to tell you what i really feel, but i fear of losing you so i hold back. I know friends are all we are going to be, and i accepted that with all my heart. When i tell you that love is more of a sacrifice than just suffering, i mean it. I know how it feels and you're my ultimate sacrifice, yet it still makes me happy because i have you in my life. That's what i mean by "love as a sacrifice", not showing blatantly how much you mean to me, yet i hold on to this feeling because it's making me happy. Suffering, yeah i could have suffered...i may be suffering, but i know i'll suffer more if i lose you.

I know you see me only as a friend. That hurts, but it's ok. I just hope you'll get to see me more than just that and hope when that time comes, it's not too late.

You're the only one who holds me back that's why i can't give myself a chance to love anybody other than you. Just so you know, i will no longer let that happened again. I love you and i guess will always will. But given the facts and consequences, i'm on the course of taking a risk, though i don't know if it's something worth it, because all these times, you're the only risk worth taking for me. I just want to know if it's worth a try. Maybe if i get to "love" someone else, i'll get to unlearn how it is to love you. Maybe if i do let myself be open to someone, i'll forget the feeling and you'll be just another man in my life. I don't want this to happened but i have no choice, I have to. This time, i'll do this for myself, for me to be really happy and know again how  it is to receive love.

I love you. I've been longing to say that, i just don't know how, when or if i have to. I love you even though you'll never love me the way i do. I love you despite the fact that you have your eyes to someone else. I love you but i just got tired showing it. I got tired of crying, praying, hoping and wishing.

I always wanted you to be happy and if that means i just have to be a friend then i"ll take it. As long as you're happy, then that's going to be my happiness too. I'll always be here for you and will never leave you until you feel really better. Just please don't take those smile off your face, i like it more when you smile than you scorn.

Love you always,

Me

Bayo @ Ewud; 2008

Sentimental me...

Love... why is it hard to find you?

I have to go through series of rejections and i have to do the same..reject their feign love. Why is it hard to love and be loved in return? why does fate have to be tough on me?
All these are like a game; a game i don't know if i can still achieve victory over to. So tricky! I just can't master the game or maybe i just don't know how to play my cards really damn well. I guess, playing isn't really my thing; I need the real deal. It's sickening to kiss frogs who never turned into the Prince i'm searching for.
Where are you?
Just where the hell are you?
All i wanted is to find this guy who's actions speaks louder than words. I need a guy who will not promise me his life, give me sweet nothings and cuddles me everyday. I need someone who's willing to share their part of them to me, the way i would love to share a part of me to him. Sweet pick-up lines are funny but i'm going crazy over it. It's making me go berserk! All the pain and disappointments makes me want to give up, thinking that maybe L-O-V-E isn't just a thing for me.
I want to let go of this feeling of waiting. I'm tired of it. I'm tired being fooled, acting like a fool and pretending to be stupid hoping that through this i'll find "him". Years of waiting, yet no one - not a single man's soul wants me in their life.
Love...do i really have to exert effort to find you?
I'm starting to prepare myself for being alone. But how ready am i? Will this be for the rest of my mortal life? What if no one is really meant for me? No one is ever worth the pain...the wait...someone's  worth of having me? I'm sick of feeling this way...

Is it goodbye love for me now?

1-1-11

Fireworks are over, champagne glass are empty and stomachs are full.

I've celebrated New Year with my family and it was always fun as expected. This is my first entry for the year, and i decided to scrap off my new year's resolutions and well have a more concrete plan that will sure make 2011 a better year for me.

Let me just start this year with a prayer.

Dear Lord,

I can't ask anything for more, because you do still provide me all my needs and knows that there are right time to get what i want.
I want to thank you for all the blessings you've given me and my family last year, and today, the first day of the year, i would like to thank you for more blessings i know you'll generously provide us. Thanks for the love and happiness, tears and pain, lessons learned and failed to learn, for my family and friends, for my job i'm still learning to appreciate and love, and for all other wonderful things you've given me.
Sorry if i fail you as a child. Sorry for making myself unfortunate and if if sometimes i fail to appreciate all the small things that you've given me. I apologize most for disappointing you. I can't promise you anything, but i will try to follow you as what i know i should do.
This year, there are only few things i ask, prosperous year and great health for my family and more love for me.

Thank you Lord.

Amen