I'm cleaning my stuff, as i prepare to move to my new place and lo and behold! i found my journal dated year 2006! I read through all the dramas and nonsensical stuff in my life when i'm few years younger and here's one entry i would like to share: (unedited)
Feb 15, 2006 - Wednesday
Dear Gryz,
So how's your day? I heard a lot of things happened to you today. I heard that you cry a lot because first, you feel that nobody really cares about you, that it seems like that you're worst than an orphaned kid and second, because you still feel bad to your mama. Well, honestly you seem pissed off with your life that i often hear you ask, or better say, plea God to take your life right now. I feel sad for you. I know you hate being sorry for yourself or other people feeling sorry for you, but the truth is - I really am feeling so sorry for you to every single bad - or worst thing that's happening in your life.
Well dear, first...you're not a kid anymore, so don't feel like an abandoned KID! 2 more days and you'll be 21; that will be ths start to prove them that "Hey! you're one smart ass and can stand on your own!". The more you get older, the bigger your responsibilities, the bigger responsibility..the worst life gets. You just have to accept it and be prepared. You can do great girl! Second, your mama is already paying the price on the life she choose. You've shared a piece of your pie, laid down your cards and that made you feel better, while she's feeling terribly bad. Does saying what you've been keeping for a long time loosen the situation? Honestly, i also don't know. Besides, that's the life she want; no matter what excuse she said and even if she seems like she don't want to do anything to make it better, then let her be where she wants to be.
You've said what you think she should and should not do, and let her decide whether to accept it or not. If being with you is not her option at all, then you just have to be thankful because whether you like it or not, she still helped you on her own little ways, she's still your mama and God used her to show you how beautiful HIS creations are. Instead of being fretting, just be thankful; in this case, it will make your life not that worst. About your stepfather, don't let your hate over him drown you. This will cause you terrible result in yourself and life as a whole.
I've also heard that you talked to your Auntie Lily in Manila, and discussed something about religion and faith in God. To be honest, I don't see you having strong faith on HIM and struggle a lot in knowing who HE is in your life. Still groping in the dark? Why Gryz? I don't really see you that "attached" to HIM and most of the time, you let devil get over you, when you know that it shouldn't be. You're still weak, vulnerable, naive...stupid...anything i can describe about you and your heart. How can you achieve eternal life without God in your heart? Geez...now we're getting serious here!Ü...I just hope that it wouldn't be too late for you to "find" HIM.
Uhmm..about your wish for being a photographer, I think you should start doing something about it. The earlier you start, the farther you get. Strt working on what you love the most - start working to reach your goal. Don't mind those people who's pulling you down - someday, you can prove something to them and that alone will make them feel sorry for doing that to you...the best part of this is: you'll prove them wrong!
Smile! Shit happens!!Ü. Just thank God for every small and great things that happened today. Oh by the way...Good news, congratulations! You've survived!!
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