It’s only a few months ago when I get rid of my feelings with this guy who happened to be married, and it ain’t easy! I have to go through tough times and pretend not to care because of two reasons: first, he already have his own family and second is because we’re friends and I still want to keep him in my life, even as a buddy. I never want my feelings with him interfere with our friendship, because that’s the only connection I have with him. Close enough to be friends, but will never be as lovers.
After the harsh battle between my heart and mind, I decided to stop this feelings, go on with my life and accept my defeat; anyways, I know I’m better than be somebody’s options. The only sad part was, I’ve never been vocal with what I really feel towards him.
Then came the part where the quest to find the one who will make me feel extra special begins. This was when I decided it’s not that bad to find someone who will love me and I will love in return. I started with the basic: dating. I started meeting other guys, some were complete strangers, most are friend’s cousin, friend’s High School friend, friend’s college batch mate, friend of a friend’s friend, and other friends’ connection gone crazy! It sounds foolish for me, though the fun part is it taught me how to be brave, and it isn’t always bad to trust someone I just met. Yet truth remains that most of the guys I’ve met and still seeing, seems like the type who only wants "love making" and not really finding love. I don’t know if it’s their only way to figure out how much they love someone, but if guys are like that, then it’s an ugly fact I can’t accept right now. One thing I learned is, if you take a risk at something, don’t regret it and learn the lesson by heart. Even if it means doing something I know I’ll feel bad for. I also don’t find the idea of meeting and mating with any guys introduced to me (or those who introduced themselves) that attractive. I tried playing games with guys, but I think I’m not just good at it. I think maybe I’ll just never win in this game called love, which makes me more careful with my heart.
What I really resent is the part where fate starts playing with me. I hate this roller coaster life and just want to throw up on the part where, here I am, liking another guy, who has a ring already! I’m so back to the basic and it’s tiring! Whew! I totally not going to dig on this guy and will make a huge stop sign on my forehead, than have a Loser sign behind me.
Now I just want to stop. Stop chasing love, stop finding someone and I want to take a break with everything. I’m still seeing guys and now I just want to have fun and not really stress myself worrying if this guy will make a fool of me or not. I just programmed my mind that it’s good to meet new people, and I’m getting free lunch or dinner from time to time. I don’t want to pay more attention with the wrong guy and enjoy every moment I’m with someone better…when I say better, it means he have to be single. Such a cliché, but love indeed is something I don’t need to rush…..not until I reach 30!Ü
2 comments:
That's the spirit! There's a saying: "To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction."
Oftentimes, it starts when you find someone who has similar interests as you do. Don't rush yourself too much. You're making yourself look like a teenage girl who just had her first period. (Got that line from a Pinoy movie! Ha!) True love always comes when you least expect it.
Kudos to you for doing the right thing. Remember: "Love is not about finding the right person, but creating a right relationship."
That's my take on this rollercoaster ride. You're free to internalize it or let it out the other ear. Anyway... what do I know? :P
By the way, I can't believe you didn't tell me you changed your blog address already! *pouts*
hahaha...sorry i was not able to inform all you guys about changing my blog address...Ü
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